I think wanting to protect your children is just what being a parent is all about. It’s not something you have to think about, or plan for, it just sort of comes naturally along the way. I don’t think a parent realizes the extend of their protective nature however until something comes along that threatens that. I believe it’s in those moments you realize just what lengths you would stride to shelter your children from harm.
Recently my son failed the preliminary test at the pediatrician’s office that checks for Autism. While a more thorough evaluation was scheduled at a later date with a specialist, I found as the day progressed and the reality sunk in I was completely devastated. I spend most of my day sobbing and through uncontrollable tears somehow managing to muster up a smile when my son or husband would enter the room. I asked ‘why’ to the ceiling anytime I found myself in a room alone. I spend a lot of time wondering how on Earth this could happen and how was I ever going to find the strength that I needed to get me as well as my family through this. I remember thinking just how completely unfair this was, he was a baby, only a year and a half old, barely old enough to gain a personality, how could this be happening to such an innocent child?
It was sometime late that night I remember hearing the words in my head, “He never gives you more than you can handle”, while that may be true I still didn’t feel up for this. It was somewhere in the middle of the night I realized exactly what troubled me so much about the entire ordeal. It was that I was his mother and I couldn’t protect him, not from this. I felt so helpless, like I had failed as a mother somehow, and while I know that is not true that doesn’t dismiss the feelings I felt at that moment.
It took a few days to adjust to the idea that my son may not be blessed with a normal life, but it wouldn’t be from my lack of trying. I was convinced that I would do whatever was needed to give him the best shot, the best chance, the best whatever he needed. I no longer felt defeated from not being able to protect him from anything and everything, I felt instead like taking on the world head on. I wanted to know exactly what was wrong and where do we go from here to help him as much as humanly possible, that has pretty much been my mindset ever since.
My son starts his therapy tomorrow and while I am of course nervous, worried, and scared for him, I also know now that being the best mom I could be for him is this part. No, I can’t protect him from anything and everything, but I can do anything and everything for him now to protect his future.
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